What I Learned in Texas about being a Man: 7 Essential Items (humor)

Posted on May 7, 2013

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***My apologies for yesterday morning. Apparently, only part of the page was showing. The problem has been solved and you can now enjoy all seven items :) Thank you for your patience and for notifying me of the issue.***Chuck Norris

My older brother, Andrew Gleason, and I were talking the other day about all the things we’ve learned in Texas about being a man. This list is what came of those discussions. Enjoy :)

Before continuing I must make a side note of the intention of writing this. This post is satire and humor based. Yes, I do believe men should have said items to make their lives much easier, but the deliverance is, of course, a joke. So, if you don’t like humor, and you feel that Jesus isn’t funny either, than this isn’t the post for you. I would skip it.

In an age where men are being told to not be manlike, I offer you, oh faithful male, a comprehensive list of essential items that you WILL need. They are all vital to your survival!

To the Ladies: Beware! This list contains top secret tools for males of all ages. I trust that you will keep this list to yourself and only share it with the trusted men in your life.

 

Item 1: A Pocket Knife

There are countless reasons you need to carry a pocket knife with you at all times (that is, if you’re man enough). We don’t have time to go into many of those reasons, but here is a couple of scenarios that this portable, versatile object may prove to be of assistance.

1. You get a package from FedEx. This package is something very important to you and you’ve been counting down the days until that beautiful, fit, short shorts wearing man with the hat arrives at your door to bestow upon you a weapon, a tool to improve your life. Who knows, it could be something you need for work. Or, it could be a neat toy or gadget you pre-ordered months ago! Maybe, just maybe it’s Frank Viola’s latest book, God’s Favorite Place on Earth ;)GerberPocketKnife

Whatever it is, you bring it into the kitchen, scrambling for a pair of scissors or a knife. However, upon you opening the infamous junk drawer you realize the scissors (which beats paper) are missing! You now remember telling your twelve year old son that he could use them for a school project, a collage, or to run with them for fun (humor). You warned him to bring them back or else (or else, what? is the real question). Of course he didn’t, he never brings stuff back! That, or you like to blame him or his siblings for losing stuff that you actually lost. But hey, I’m not judging you.

Okay, so now option one is out of the question, so you go to grab a large knife from the Kitchen Aid wooden kit on the counter when your wife, girlfriend, or mother passes by and yells, “Don’t use one of my knives on that! That’s not what they’re for.” You assess the situation to determine if an argument is in order. You think, knives are for cutting, I need to cut! You begin to get that smirk on your face as if you’re about to drop an intellectual bombshell on her with your new arsenal of debate. But, you realize it’s not worth it, so you continue your hunt.

There are no other options; no knives (that you’re allowed to use), no scissors, and no hope left. But then, flash, light bulb! You have a pocket knife, hurray!

Problem: Solved.

2. We’ve all been there: we’ve been tied up by an evil villain that has taken the form of a rich, Chinese businessman. He found out you were a secret spy working for the CIA on a world-saving mission. He is now dangling you upside down from the ceiling like a bat by a rope. You are completely immobilized, for your hands, feet, and torso are tightly wrapped up in a rope cocoon of death.

The rope is tied to a sort of steam-powered pulley system that is leading you to a large circular saw. At first you begin to wonder what exactly this mechanism does on a practical level and where on earth did he get a saw this big!? But then, just at the right moment (after he has left you alone to die a slow, miserable deat) you remember you have your handy pocket knife.

You slowly pull it out of your front pocket with only two fingers, the music is getting highly dramatic the closer you move to the saw; the sharp, quick strokes of the violins and winded instruments are signaling a warning that you are now only inches from peril…and that the whole world will perish along with you. But just in the nick of time you cut yourself free!

Problem: Solved.  (World saved.)

Item 2: Flashlight

Just imagine how much easier it would have been to find that small item that fell on the seat or floorboard of your car—digging, searching, and rummaging through old Snickers wrappers and Coke cans—if  you wouldn’t have had to rely on that dim glow from your phone’s screen. Even if you have the flashlight app on your phone it can still be about the same type of process: difficult.flashlight

Just think, you could’ve had an inexpensive, yet vital accessory to manhood—but you saw it at Wal-Mart for $9.98 and decided you’d rather spend that money at the in-store McDonald’s on nasty cheeseburgers and stale fries. (Manhood Fail)

I am personally failing in this section (see above, you’re not alone in your failure). Not because I’m not aware of its usefulness, but because I lost mine L. In the process of moving to three new cities within a year I somehow misplaced it.  But every single time I have to pull my phone out, hit the unlock button to make my screen light up, followed by the constant clicking of side buttons to insure it stays luminous, trying to find that small item that fell deep into the abyss known as my seats.

phone-flashlightI especially miss it when, after realizing I forgot my wallet, I pull up into the convenient store craving the crisp, lemon-lime refreshment that my beloved Sprite offers and begin digging through every cavern, every crevasse in my truck in an attempt to strike good fortune. Every nickel, a smile; every dime a laugh; and every quarter, a fist pump.

Not only does it come in handy when you’re broke, bored, and single (like myself), but it has many applications in real life situations. Like:

-Shining it into people’s eyes that are annoying you.

-Pointing it from your chin up to your face to tell a scary story.

-Seeing how far, exactly, it will shine

-Attempting to create a spotlight-like effect into the air to attract women.

-Placing a Bat signal over the lens in a vain attempt to receive some assistance in a crucial, vigilant matter.

These are only a few of the many times a handy flashlight can AND WILL come to your aid.

Problem: Solved.

Item  3: A Texas Toothpick

Texas Toothpick:  n., a sharp, knife-like object in which one intends its sole use for personal protection against physical threats. See also: ‘Stab-you-knife’, ‘prison shank’, or ‘Ouch, that really hurt!’Texas-Shape

Use in sentence: “If you come any closer with that Twilight DVD I will be forced to use my Texas Toothpick!”

I don’t condone violence, of course (unless I’m fighting a Chinese businessman that’s trying to take over the world), but many people whom we live amongst do. It’s always good to have a plan B if an aggressor isn’t heading your warnings to leave you alone. Worst case scenario, just throw it at him and run!

Problem: Solved

Item 4: Phillips-Head Screwdriver (the one shaped like this: +)

I feel as though I shouldn’t really have to explain this one, but just in case, I will. I’m aware that not everyone is from Texas, so for all of you non-Texans I will explain (calm down, I’m kidding).

Okay, I had to ponder for awhile on this one because I want to give a really good example of its usefulness, one good enough to keep your attention, good sir.

Okay, so you’re in the Wal-Mart parking lot, walking from your vehicle (which I hope is a truck!) to the store’s entrance. About halfway there you see a young lady in distress. She just happens to be very beautiful, but of course you show no favoritism ever. You ask her why she’s in such distress and how you, a brave, noble, man’s man like yourself can help.

She says her car is making a funny noise and is worried she won’t make it home. Now, most of you won’t have any idea why her car is making a noise, but you are a man and you fix stuff. So, having absolutely no clue how to remedy the situation, you grab your handy screwdriver. You rummage around under the hood, say things intermittently like, Ah, that’s the problem, or, I see, the quantum modulator is acting up. You may be as bold to ask her to stay back, this is dangerous.

screwdriversFinally, you close the hood and tell her she can be on her way. You fixed the flux compositor and she is very welcome.

Now, I’m aware that if you are married, then the above situation doesn’t apply to you. Instead of giving another example, here’s a list of some of the common household items that need screwdrivers to repair, replace, or pry.

-Vacuums Cleaners

-Cabinet Handles

-Lamps

-Rocking Chairs

-Tables

-Nightstands

-Smoke Detectors

-Toys

I could do this for hours, but you get the point. Get a screwdriver with the + end on it.

Problem: Solved.

Item 5: Change of Clothes

Many of the common tasks for a manly man like yourself are crime fighting, wife pleasing, offspring wellbeing, spider killing, light bulb installation, along with others. Most tasks don’t involve too much wear and tear on your clothing. However, there is that time when you simply need some fresh threads. No one likes being around a dirty, stinking, musky man.

Let’s say you’re in prison. You’ve been falsely accused of murder and you’re breaking out Shamshank style. You’ve been slowly carving a hole in your brick wall using a butter knife or a pencil. You conceal the whole with a pin-up girl every night as to not get busted. Finally, after months of carving, getting but a couple hours of sleep each night, covering your tail, keeping your mission secret, you have successfully reached the end.

You wait for a stormy night to come, plotting your escape. The night comes and you’re ready. You’ve been waiting for this moment for years now. You’re scared, you’re nervous, you’re excited, you’re enthralled! You get to a large pipeline of sewage waste—prisoner’s and guard’s feces and urine alike—and smash a whole into that pipe.

You crawl through miles of this human excrement and finally land in a ravine, thank God it’s still pouring rain outside! shawshank_redemption_4

Your getaway driver shows up. You’ve paid him handsomely for his efforts through mob ties you have (you did them some favors when you were younger). Finally, freedom! It’s all good now: no one yet knows you’re gone. You have hours to get ahead of the authorities, and you can’t wait to see your family again. You open the door, feeling overwhelmed with joy, adrenaline, and relief. You climb inside the car, you and he drive off.  You reek of, well, you know. You turn around into the back seat to grab the fresh pair of clothes that you assumed your driver would’ve brought (for he knew how you were going to escape and what that would entail). To your bitter disappointment the backseat is empty—no fresh shirt, pants, undies, or socks.

All of those feelings of victory and glory have been stolen from your hands by an epic failure of a man. You must now sit and soak in, well, you know, for the next  eighteen hours! You may actually have to kill him, making you actually guilty of murder. If you did that, you’d have to go back to prison.

Sir, you have just witnessed an epic man-fail.

Reverse the situation, how would you like to be a man-failure? Don’t be, keep a change of clothes in your car (or truck) at all times!

Crappy situation (pun intended): Solved.

Item 6: Tape Measure

This one may sound unnecessary, but I will show you why this is an essential item to manhood (and all the glories, wherefrom they come). However, with this tool comes great responsibility. You must learn how to read a tape measure, preferably without having to count the dashes (but hey, we all have off days; again, not judging). The U.S. standard measurements don’t make sense, but we are American, they don’t have to.Evel Knievel

We all need cash to get through life. Bills, food, rent, giant flat screen televisions with comparable surround stereo technology, etc. Therefore sometimes we’re simply strapped and need some extra money on the side to get by. So, we find gigs around town.

One of those gigs may, or may not be, being a daredevil—jumping over buses through exploding  rings of fire or something similar. This time, though, you’re jumping the Grand Canyon with your 250cc dirt bike. You need to know exactly which part of the Grand Canyon is the skinniest, making it possible to actually complete said task.

What better time to have a tape measure on you!? None, there simply isn’t a better time. You complete the jump, only a few broken bones; you tell your wife/girlfriend/mother you fell down some stairs. And that you got the money for some job you said you were doing when you were actually planning the jump—picking out the coolest costume and coming up with a catchy name like, Falcon Fred, or, Johnny Dash.

Money Problems: $olved.

Item 7: Jumper Cables

This one is easy…

I think it’s pretty much obvious to you but I’ll continue, just in case.

Again, you are on a secret mission for the CIA that has the entire existence of man hanging in the balance, counting on you. You’re tracking down a terrorist cell that has sprung up somewhere in the Middle East. It is your job to find out when the Weapon of Mass Destruction is to be transported to its secret launch site—the only opportunity western civilization has to survive.

But today you’ve taken a break from terrorist hunting. After all everyone needs some time off. You go to an ice cream parlor and get a milkshake. You then drive your truck (no cars welcome in the Middle East) through the city on your way home. While passing by a crowd of people you get a chance run-in with the “really important guy” you’ve been needing to interrogate. You must do your duty!jumper_cables

So, you pull over and capture him. You put a potato sack over his head (for no real, practical purpose, just for fun and formality’s sake) and have him ride with you to an empty warehouse. He refuses to talk. No matter what you say, he refuses to give up the information you need. No doubt this is the only chance you have left.

Threats won’t persuade him, so what will? Jumper cables, that’s what.

The rest of the story is top secret, of course. I can’t give up the confidential, highly scientific interrogation techniques. It may get into the wrong hands! But, I trust your manly self. So here’s how it works, real simple:

You connect the cables to a 12V battery (a car battery) and then strike the two cables together causing a spark. You then smile, knowing that this little trick will do! You reach into your breast pocket and pull out a cigarette for yourself and Mr. Terrorist. You have to place the cigarette into his mouth, of course, because you’ve tied his hands. You then use the sparks from your jumper cable to light his and your cigarettes. He confesses everything, because that’s what criminals do when you give them a cigarette in an interrogation room and proceed to light it for them. You learned this from your years of being a New York City detective.

Problem: Solved (again, world saved).

So that’s it. I hope you see the importance of these seven essential items to manhood. Not only is your life at sake, but mine as well. And, the country’s as well.

Be a man! Carry a pocket knife!

Afterward

One omission that I was forced to make into this vital list, due to my laziness and lack of ambition, was Deodorant. You need deodorant, even when you think you’re “fine”. All of the above activities will require it—so wear it!

To make it clear once again, this list is not of a serious nature. It was all for laughs and giggles. So please don’t be upset :)

-Michael Young, Andrew Gleason, 2013